My amazing, 19 year old son sent me a text this week from college with the email address of an article he wanted me to read. He told me that it would make a great subject for my next newsletter. It was entitled "The Disease called Perfection: A beautiful fairy tale that always leaves you hating yourself",by Dan Pearce. It talks about how we pretend everything is ok when we are hurting so much inside. Dan shares the raw pain of feeling less than and how instead we pretend we are more than...therefore infecting others with this disease so that then they pretend. And on it goes so that we are all hurting inside and pretending we aren't. It is the epitome of living unconsciously.

Isn't that how the whole financial system crashed? We thought we had to keep up with our friends/ TV stars or the Jones'...whoever they are?!!! and spend money we didn't have buying things we didn't need or probably want, living in homes we couldn't afford, working in jobs we hated. Perfect is having to have just the right purse/ car/ outfit/ child/ house/ behavior, life to feel ok inside. It is a bar that can never be reached as someone will always have something better. So we play the "better than, less than" game which is a sure-fire way to feel lousy. We see someone with what we want or acting in an amazing way...and feel less than them. Then we see someone act in a way we say is "wrong" and we feel better about ourselves. Even though this feels better to our ego...it is a short term relief as we usually can relate to what we saw someone do that was "wrong." We can't admit it to others as they might not see us as perfect like we want. But we know the truth deep down, if we are truly honest...we have probably done the same "wrong" thing or something else that could be judged. What about when we are asked to do something and we don't have the energy or desire but we still say yes....are we being real or trying to be perfect?

So what does this dishonesty do to our Spirit? How does this judgement and pretending affect us physically, emotionally and spiritually? It does the same thing as if someone else lied to us. We start to not trust ourselves. The self loathing and hate can feel overwhelming and can create addictions and even thoughts of or the act of suicide. We get unclear about who we are and live on automatic pilot, just going through the motions of our lives. We feel unsafe and the truth vs the perception we are trying to portray creates so much anxiety. What if we are found out? What if we allow someone to see the "real" us. What if you say you are feeling really sad or angry or frustrated or powerless today and don't put on a happy/ pretending face? Will they still love you or accept you or will they abandon you? Does it really matter? Do you want those people that can't accept you for who you are, as friends? You are the only person that you are with your entire lifetime besides your Creator. Being real and honest with yourself is what nurtures this most important relationship. Pretending to be what you are not brings way more discomfort than peace. Also, who do you feel more comfortable around, people that are perfect or real?

So how do we inoculate ourselves from the infectious mental disease of perfectionism? How do we become honest and real in our interactions with others? How do we come out of the closet and tell the truth about how we truly feel and who we really are? How do we feel safe when we have spent our whole lives trying to be perfect? You begin as you do any new skill....one step at a time. You start by finding someone you can trust to share your truth. You don't jump in when others are judging, you tell the truth about your circumstance and live authentically. Dan Pearce, in his article addresses this by saying:

"Be real. Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control. We all have a list of them. Here's your wake-up call: You aren't the only one who feels worthless sometimes. You aren't the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today. You aren't the only one who isn't making enough money to support your lifestyle. You aren't the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion. You aren't the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people. You aren't the only one who feels trapped in your marriage. You aren't the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can't figure out why. You aren't the only one that questions your sexual orientation. You aren't the only one who hates your body. You aren't the only one that can't control yourself around food.

The cure is so simple. Be real. Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it. You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more."

Excerpt from Dan Pearce's blog at http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

Thank you Dan!!!!! I too am infected by this disease at times. But I have known for a long time that it doesn't serve me and try to share with you my insecurities and inner struggles. I catch myself in the act of trying to fake it or be what I think others want me to be. I say "No" way more now. I used to say "Yes" when I really meant No and ended up with a stomach full of resentment. I often am humbled by my children and forced to look at my disease of perfectionism and be honest. They are and always will be my greatest teachers. When they were small and I was working I thought that my house and children had to be clean and well behaved at all times. I spent many insane days and nights trying to keep up with it all. When I think of the frustration I felt it still makes me sad for them, that they didn't have a calm, present mom. I remember a turning point when I went to a party and put something in the fridge and noticed that it was dirty inside. I didn't feel judgement towards the mom hosting the party...I felt relief. Did that mean I didn't have to be ashamed when my fridge wasn't perfectly clean? Did I have the courage to invite guests over and not be a maniac before, pretending that my house was always that perfect? Wow...I learned that day that I had choices. I also remember one Christmas day when I had my first turkey dinner for our family. I was so anxious and not present for my children that Christmas. They wanted me to play with them with their new toys. I remember being cranky and telling them I couldn't as I had to make the dinner. I felt so guilty after that, so the next year I began a "Deli Platter" Christmas tradition. I was happy to host everyone but I wasn't going to stress myself out being what I am not and wanted to enjoy the holiday with my kids. Oh, the relief. The funniest part is....no one cared. They were fine with it. As with my relief with the dirty fridge, the peace comes from being real. Think of the tension it takes to pretend to be something we are not.

As Dan said so well, think of what a gift showing your humaness is to those watching you. Can you be the trail blazer and, therefore, give permission to those around you to do the same? As I said, this is a life lesson for me and one I struggle with. I do try to get it "right" and am very hard on myself when I don't feel I meet my tough standards. But I choose to surround myself with loving, accepting people that remind me of the truth....I am imperfectly, perfectly human, another Bozo on the bus trying to do the best I can and sometimes hitting the mark and sometimes missing it. I try to offer the same loving kindness to others to the best of my ability. It is so freeing to have choices and wake up from the illusion that we have to be something we are not. We only have to be us....one of my favorite quotes is "Be YOU. Nobody does it better." Anonymous.

So I en-COURAGE you to let your "have to be perfect" patterns fall away with the leaves. Let's start infecting the planet with our true authentic selves and free each other from the bonds, anxiety and suffering that "perfect" has created. Watch how the world is a better place. If I can help you along your path, I'm here. I hope to see you all physically, but until then...I carry you in my heart. Have a magical, fun filled month that is as beautiful as YOU and I will too!

Much love and blessings for infinite abundance in all its forms,

Jackie Eaton

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